How Do You People Please?

I’ve never thought of myself as a people pleaser. In most areas of my life, I don’t care about being different, people liking me, or needing to appease others. I’ve always been okay with doing my own thing, being on my own, shutting people out.

Recently, however, I have realised that this, in and of itself, is a way of people pleasing.

As I’ve discussed before, it has been hard for me to use my voice. It has become my instinct to stay quiet, internalise my thoughts, and keep to myself. When I look into why this has been the case, I see it is partially because I feel like the more I put myself out into the world, the more chances I have of being seen. To me, being seen can come with bothering other people, being in the way, messing things up, people not liking me, making mistakes, disappointing someone…

I have let these fears control me and instead I have stayed silent. I have pushed myself into hyper independence mode. I have found safety in being quiet, always doing my own thing, being by myself.

This has become my way of people pleasing.

Somehow, along the way, I learned it’s better to stay silent than ruffle any feathers. I have learned it is better to do everything by myself rather than risk bothering someone. I have learned it is better to not work with others rather than risk disappointing them, failing, making a mistake. I have learned it is better to let others have their created perceptions of me than give them the full picture and truth of who I am.

I convinced myself I preferred always doing things on my own. That my goal is to be the most spiritual, enlightened person and this includes staying stoic, silent, separate. I don’t think any of that is true anymore, nor do I think it is my path to become an enlightened monk living in a cave by myself (maybe in my next life).

And, I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be in the world and use my voice. I want to connect deeply with others and allow myself to be seen. I want to put my whole heart and authenticity into the world - regardless of others’ opinions of me - without changing anything about myself or how I act.

We are all going to disappoint people, be misunderstood, make mistakes. We are all going to bother someone, be an inconvenience, take up someone’s time. We are all going to get hurt and we are all going to hurt others. That’s just life. The only other option is separating yourself, not being fully in the world, not truly living. I don’t think that’s an option anymore.

Not everyone is going to like me. That is ok. In fact, I am trying to reframe my thoughts and remind myself - if not everyone likes me it means I am being true to myself, versus smoothing myself over to be “perfect” for everyone. When a situation arises where I put myself out there and feel uncomfortable with the result or response, I ask myself - do I like myself? Was I authentic and true to myself? Do I even truly care about this person’s opinion?

I don’t need to people please anymore. I only need to live in authenticity and integrity. I don’t need to be accepted and loved by everyone. I only need to accept and love myself.

I think we all try to people please in some way…. What about you?