Recovery
Exactly three years ago I first started treatment for my Eating Disorder. Technically you could say that is also the day I started recovery but that process has been less clear cut and more so a winding and hilly trail.
When I first reached out to a treatment centre, it was not in order to actually sign up to attend. I knew I needed some sort of support for my relationship with food and exercise but I was under the illusion I was “fine” and did not have an eating disorder. I was merely hoping the centre would have recommendations of outpatient specialists I could work with. However, when I called they encouraged me to take their assessment to understand where I was at and after completion their answer was not what I was expecting. Things happened fairly quickly after that; that time of my life sometimes feels a little fuzzy around the edges.
At the time I felt very alone, very confused, and very overwhelmed. Despite consciously having the belief that I was not “sick enough,” I know it was my intuition that pushed me to make that call. Without anyone realising, including myself, I had dug myself into a very deep and narrow hole, locked all the doors and windows and no one was able to get in, unless I reached out. I was falling apart (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually…) and fast and I needed support. I needed help.
Treatment cracked open all the doors, shattered the windows, and threw me a ladder that I slowly had to climb up. It completely changed my life. Now it has been a year since I last discharged from treatment and although I still have a long way to go to get the freedom I am working towards, I am lifetimes away from the girl who made that call three years ago.
I say all of this because eating disorders can be very deceiving. For most of those suffering, it does not look like the stereotype mainstream media has presented. Eating disorders are contradicting and nuanced and unique for every individual.
It took me a very long time to begin to open up about my eating disorder. For the first six months or so the only people who knew I was even in treatment were my parents and best friend. It has felt simultaneously terrifying and freeing, empowering and constricting, to begin to speak up more.
It feels scary to talk more consistently about a topic so hidden, personal, controversial and widespread. Everyone is impacted by diet and wellness culture. If you think you’re not, I urge you to take a deeper look. More and more I am feeling called to talk about it openly and vulnerably so I am listening to that call. I don’t quite know in what form or capacity it will unfold but I am going to listen to my intuition and see where it leads.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating I would like to say three things:
Please know my intentions are only ever to encourage full freedom, recovery, and a healthy relationship with food, body, movement and yourself. If anything I ever say triggers an adverse reaction, it is your cognitive distortions, your disorder, trying to take control.
You are worthy of support. You are worthy of recovery and/or reaching towards greater freedom. You do not need to prove you are sick enough or wait until the right moment.
You are magic.
xx
