Living in the Holiday Magic

I have an interesting relationship with this time of year. I love the holiday season. I love the festive energy, the magic in the air, the endless wonder and possibility. However, sometimes it feels like I am watching the holiday magic unfold as a movie viewer, verses actually letting myself live it in my own life.

In the past it has been challenging for me to fully embrace this season in the way I wish I could. As I discussed in my previous blog post, this time of year can be a bit overwhelming. Holidays are a time when we can be widely thrown out of our routine. If you’re anything like me, this can really heighten anxiety.

My anxiety often shows up in the desire to have complete control, which it believes it can gain through routine. While routine can be a beautiful thing, and is a natural part of who I am, it can be unhealthy when it becomes all consuming - When everything needs to be exactly the same everyday and the thought of anything interfering with the routine is paralysing, when routine dictates how you live your life and prohibits you from fully participating in life.

I love the holiday season, and yet my anxiety can keep me from participating in it. Anxiety has led me to say no to get togethers and events, no to trying something new, no to spontaneous adventures, no to time with friends and family. When I look back on holidays past, I can feel a sense of loss around all I have let myself miss out on.

November 2019 - It was pre-pandemic and yet I opted out of going home for Thanksgiving that year. I had moved to California a couple of months earlier and claimed it felt too ungrounding to travel to New York so soon after. In reality, I didn’t want to risk going outside of my routine. This was also before I started treatment, recovery and even the process of coming to terms with the fact that I was struggling so severely. Looking back it is clear that my decision to stay in California was a sign of the help I needed.

It is still hard for me to get out of my routine. I have to hold myself accountable for loosening my grip, softening, and letting it go. I have to trust that it is safe for me to do what my anxiety tells me to fear. I have to remind myself why I am doing it - because if I don’t, I lose out on so much.

I want to live in the magic, and feel the magic, not just watch it go on behind locked windows.

I want to be the main character in my own holiday movie, not sit alone watching someone else’s

My goal this holiday season is to let myself exist amidst the magic of the chaos and find my grounding there. I want to find my version of balance from this place.

The chaos of the holidays can bring up and reveal something different for everyone. I want to know - What do the holidays bring up for you? What is your goal for this season?

This is also my little reminder to reach out to the people in your life - the ones who didn’t show up to the party, the ones who maybe drank a little too much but said they were fine, the ones who always seem to have their act together. Honestly, reach out to anyone, everyone. We all need support and it always feels good to know someone is thinking of you.