Rediscovery

I used to think I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. I used to think I knew exactly where I wanted to be and how I wanted my life to look.

I’ve realised I don’t. So much of my life has been dictated by the rules of my eating disorder and anxiety. They have had such a power over me, my life, and my identity, that I don’t know who I am without them. They have become so immersed and enmeshed in my values it can feel impossible to separate the two.

So much of recovery has been about grieving - who I thought I was, who I wanted to be, behaviours and identities I have to let go of... it feels never ending. Once I feel I have finally let a piece go, there is a new layer to dismantle.

The last few years have been a process of unraveling the knot my eating disorder has created for me. It has been a process of rediscovering who I truly am at my core. But I have never truly allowed myself to get there. I still am attached to so much. In particular, rules related to food and movement.

I’m really tired. I’m tired of trying so hard to hold everything together. Tired of controlling. Tired of maintaining pieces of my life that no longer serve me. Tired of the mental chatter telling me I’m doing something wrong. Tired of a million external sources telling me what I should be doing.

I think I need to rest now. I think I need to lay it all down.

I want to know who I truly am. I want to know what I truly want and love and feel. I want to let it all go and see what remains, what is uncovered and what is forgotten. I want to live for me.

I think I need to go back to the basics. All the tips and tools and ways of living I preach, I struggle to do them as gently, softly, kindly as I want to. Sometimes I force them, rather than being guided by my intuition. It is time to truly use them for me.

My inclination is to go inward. To shut everyone and everything out throughout the process and only come back when I feel more complete, more presentable, more together. When I have myself figured out. I am not going to do that this time. I am going to continue to share, be vulnerable, authentic and open… hopefully even more so than ever.

For me, healing comes in being messy. In allowing myself to be seen in the mess and the process and the imperfect. That is so uncomfortable and scary for me, and yet it calls to me. That is how I know it is my path.

I am on a mission to truly know myself. To truly just be me. To truly live intuitively wild. I feel like I am starting from scratch and I have no idea what is going to come from it.

I have a feeling this year is going to be a big one, I would love to be on this journey together.