Existential Thoughts written by a Scorpio Rising

Why am I here? It’s the first thought on my mind when I wake up. What am I doing here? What am I doing?

All week my minds been racing, my heart chasing after it.

Why am I here? Both existentially, and physically - here, in Asheville. It’s been a big question weighing on my heart, circling in my thoughts, impacting my actions.

Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck on a treadmill. I’m putting in all this hard work, sweat and many tears, and still end up in the same place. My thoughts circling and spiraling and trying to drag me down with them.

I shake my head to attempt to clear the thoughts and open my eyes to a fresh day.

I wake up with the sunrise. I quietly open the door to the back porch as Theo yawns, stretches and follows me outside.

I look to my left. A bear is gracefully climbing the tree across the street, gathering food for breakfast.

I look to my right. Butterflies swarm the purple flowers in the garden, feasting on the nectar and playfully flying around each other.

I look above me. The sky is coming to life. Colours taking place of the darkness, the sun starting to shine its warmth on everything around us.

I look at the ground. My feet rooted to the earth, supported, strong, soft.

I take a deep breath and go back inside to sit on my meditation cushion. Theo joins me, placing his head on my lap and a paw on my chest. I take another deep breath. And another. I place a hand on my heart. And I let myself start again.

Why am I here? I have no idea. But there is beauty all around me and I am able to see it. There is a new day in front of me and I am able to be in it.

What am I doing? I have no idea. But I am able to wake up everyday and try my best… and then start fresh the next day, forgiving myself for past mistakes and integrating lessons that add up to my growth along the way.

Maybe that’s why I’m here. To give myself space to figure it out.

To try my best everyday, and to let that be what pushes me forward. Until, eventually, I’m somewhere new that I never could have envisioned. Still trying to figure it out, but further along the path.