A New Life
This morning I woke up to a new life.
Cows freely roam the fields one mile down the road. Cottages dot the roaming hills. Cars drive confidently down steep, skinny roads. I’m awakened by the birds chirping and silence. I’m lulled to sleep by the songs of rain and occasional thunder. Instead of desert, dry heat, and unchanging sunny and 75, I’m surrounded by lush forests, unpredictable weather and a world giving in to autumn. There are endless miles of forest and grassland open to the public that Theo and I can roam and explore anywhere we go.
It is everything I have been dreaming about for months.
Yet, completely starting over, on my own, in a country I’ve never been to before, has proven to be terrifying and exhausting. Everyday tasks that used to be accomplished on autopilot are now unfamiliar and new, forcing me to be present and on high alert. It’s felt easier in the past, when I moved and started over. I’m surrounded by a bittersweet melancholy that fills me with what feels like every spectrum and intensity of emotion possible on a daily basis.
It’s been awhile since I have been so consistently outside of my comfort zone, where nothing feels quite comfortable and familiar. It can be exhausting, heartbreaking, scary. Yet, it is part of why I am here.
Despite all the challenges, I am so grateful.
There is heart healing in the heartbreak.
Being here has brought into clear vision what I am needing in this moment, and what my soul is calling for. It calls for silence. For presence. For nature. Simplicity. It is calling for a new way of showing up for myself - gentler, softer, kinder. My tendency is to seek control and hold tight to the rules, rituals, routines that I have created for myself. The ones I am working so hard to be free from. For me, freedom lies in the soft edges, the flexible rigidity.
Being here is a constant reminder to loosen my grip and release my breath. The reality of my dream come true is even more beautiful than the airbrushed pictures preconceived in my imagination. Because it is not perfect; I am feeling it all, I am experiencing it all. I am growing. I am allowing myself to live.
Every chance I get Theo and I rush outside.
When I find myself immersed in the forest, or out in the wide open land, the wind whispering secrets through my hair, everything else fades away. I feel free, at peace, at home.
