Seeking Self Validation
Our society trains us to be addicted to external validation. It is almost impossible not to get caught up in it.
Of course, it is always nice for our hard work and talents to be seen, encouraged and celebrated. It is important to feel you are connecting with others. It is helpful to seek advice from those you trust and listen to different perspectives. But if you rely solely on others’ opinions and are always looking outside of yourself for the answers, you never get the chance to know how you feel. You never get the chance to question the rules, strengthen your intuition, rely on your own beliefs. It is often the times we are desperately seeking external validation that we most need to turn to ourselves.
One of the key components I needed to learn for my own healing and growth was how to self-validate. External validation allows you to cruise through life. Internal validation forces you to grow, face hard truths, step outside of your comfort zone. You may find that you seek external validation in specific areas of your life more than others; this may show you places where you are feeling more insecure, uncertain and fearful.
For me, the desire for external validation has shown up most acutely throughout my eating disorder recovery. In the beginning of my recovery, I desperately sought out constant reassurance that what I was doing was ok. I needed the validation that I was making the right choices, that I should keep going. There were days when I needed reassurance for almost every action I took.
In many cases, recovery looks like going against many societal norms. Perhaps that means eating more when everyone around you is worried about eating less. It could mean changing your rhetoric around and perspective on foods. Eating foods that many deem as “unhealthy.” Having snacks, never skipping a meal, not exercising as much, gaining weight… the list could go on.
It’s hard to recover from an eating disorder in a world consumed by disordered eating.
Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to write about recovery, but here we are. Recovery has strengthened my ability to validate myself. Recovery has provided me the opportunity to strengthen my trust in myself and my internal guidance. It has allowed me to take back my power.
There came a time in recovery when, if I wanted to move forward and truly recover, I had to start validating myself. Seeking external validation instead of confidently trusting yourself, can be a way for you to stay tethered to what it is you are going through. As I begin to make more decisions regarding recovery without needing others approval, it is less and less of a hold that the eating disorder has on me. The truth is, I am far from perfect. But, the better I am at self validating, the stronger I feel in recovery.
For many, the need for external validation can show up when we are doing something that feels scary, outside the norm or making a big life change. Try seeing this as a positive - I am wanting external validation right now because I know that what I want to do can lead to growth. Growth is scary! I can step through this fear and make this decision for myself.
The truth is, no one has the answers that you seek. Your own internal guidance will direct you far more strongly than anyone else can. The more we practice making decisions with internal versus external validation, the easier it becomes.
Ask yourself, where do I most often seek external validation? What is this showing me about myself? Where can I begin to validate myself and make decisions without needing others’ approval? This self-validation can be in big and small ways. Maybe wearing the outfit you love but feel uncomfortable in without asking for others’ advice, going somewhere on your own, posting a picture on social media because you like it without caring how many "likes” it gets…
Perhaps tell yourself: it is ok if I seek reassurance and validation later but FIRST I will put my blinders on and figure out what I think and what I want.
You may be surprised by how empowered you feel as you begin to make decisions for yourself, by yourself.
