Sharing My Story
Things I’ve been thinking about…
Something many people do not know about me is I am in recovery for an eating disorder. Wow it feels rebellious just to write it! I have spent so much of my life, often unknowingly, only sharing pieces of myself with the world. I think that’s what many of us do. We share what we want others to see, we present how we want to be perceived. I believed that I needed to be perfect, that my struggles were never as bad as others and therefore invalid. I believed whatever I was going through I had to handle on my own. To share hidden, imperfect aspects of myself feels like an act of rebellion to me.
And so, despite my commitment to work on vulnerability, very few people outside my immediate circle know this fact - even two years into my recovery journey. And let me tell you, it has been a journey.
My fear in sharing my story is not around admitting I have an eating disorder, but around the assumptions, judgments and misinterpretations that surround the illness.
My eating disorder has been a huge part of my story and it will always be interwoven into who I am. This is not because I will always be battling it, for I trust and know full recovery is possible. Rather, this is because I would not be who I am without the experience I have and continue to have. It will always be a lens through which I see the world. My intention is to speak openly about living life in recovery and my experience with my eating disorder, integrating it into the blog in the same way it has been integrated into my life. My hope in speaking more openly about this is to be another voice normalizing a disorder that can be so stigmatized and misunderstood. And, hopefully, to make someone else feel a little more seen, validated, understood and less alone.
And a note for those struggling - My intentions are always deeply genuine, but remember eating disorders can be mentally manipulating. If anything written ever feels triggering or unhelpful to you for any reason, please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and prioritize your recovery.
The best thing I did for myself in my recovery was advocate for myself. Unfortunately, due to a lack of education and understanding, it’s not always about simply sharing with someone that you are struggling. No matter how much someone loves you, they may not be able to validate and process what you are trying to tell them. For me, opening up to someone close to me was a start. I needed to take it further than that to get the help I needed.
You must believe that you are worthy of support and worthy of feeling good and pursue that support no matter what, in any way you can. I know when you are deep in the disorder, reaching out for help can be the last thing you think you need, deserve or want. If there is any piece of you that can admit something is wrong, and desires a change, hold onto that and push yourself to reach out.
Through pieces that we pick up of each other, we create stories and identities for others. It’s natural and unavoidable. However, I think we must be aware of these stories we create and remind ourselves that we do not see the full picture. We do not truly know another, especially those with whom we do not have deep intimate relationships. Something I have had to come to terms with is that people are going to misunderstand me. They are going to create a version of me in their heads that does not match with the version of me I have for myself. Putting my truth out there in a more public way feels terrifying because it is another way I am letting go of control. The more we share with a larger group of people, the less control we have over how people think of us and the stories that are created.
If you think you know someone, think again. Ask questions, get to know new versions of them, allow space for them to surprise you. Always remember that people change and we are all very multifaceted and complicated beings.
