Energy Never Lies

I close the door after saying goodbye and breathe a sigh of relief I didn’t even know I was holding in. I probably should not be surprised by this reaction by now, considering I feel this way after every time he leaves. Relief, regret, resentment. I’m pretty sure this is not how you’re supposed to feel in a relationship (situationship?), especially not so soon in.

I had been having trouble validating the sense of foreboding and all-consuming “ickiness” that almost always accompanied this guys’ presence in my life. Why I often felt so unheard, violated, disrespected even, when he hadn’t done any one big bad wrong thing. When he was supposedly a “good, mature, spiritually evolved guy.” 

The reality is, I did feel violated. Things he said and did kept me up at night, feeling panicked, unsafe, as if something was terribly wrong. I would set a boundary and he would push it, nudge it, as if my words were just suggestions he was here to edit. He would retest my boundaries every day, trying to casually step a toe over the line. Every time he did, acting surprised and hurt, like a wounded puppy dog when I shut down, closed up or reestablished my boundary. 

I would tell myself I was reacting for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong, really. These are just my own triggers to work through. 

Maybe there is truth in that. Maybe the situations bothering me would be fine for some one else - but it doesn’t change what is true for me.

One toe over my line is still crossing the line.

I blame myself for letting it go on for as long as it did. The leftover regret and anger stems from allowing someone in who I knew was not right. But every new experience is an ability to come back home to our truth. To strengthen, or reestablish, what it is we want and who we are. 

It was a reminder that energy never lies. Your intuition is always talking to you, listen to it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.