Exercise Addiction

Let’s talk exercise addiction. It is a part of eating disorders that I don’t see talked about very often. It is not something that everyone with an eating disorder struggles with, and is definitely not a requirement. However, my relationship with exercise/movement has played a big role in my eating disorder and has greatly impacted my life.

The first time someone used the words ‘addiction’ and ‘compulsion’ in relation to my exercise, I was shocked and immediately defensive. For a long time it was not something I understood or connected with. My relationship with exercise has been a form of comfort for me, a safety net. Furthermore, I was convinced I enjoyed all I was doing. It made me feel more like myself, it brought me fulfilment and gave me an identity at a time when I was desperately searching for one.

However when I was challenged to not exercise, to exercise less, or to exercise differently, the problem became clear. I physically could not do so.

My life became structured around my movement schedule. My world revolved around it. There have been so many opportunities, experiences, moments I have missed out on because I had to stick to my exercise routine. There have been jobs, relationships, events, I could not participate in because they would require me to change my exercise schedule.

The rhetoric around movement has long been “the more the better.” I was haunted by statements such as “sitting is the new smoking.” If you don’t workout you’re “lazy” and it is praised to be “disciplined.”

We give so much praise around being disciplined. Our society places so much moral value around exercise and being “fit and healthy.”

And that is just the problem. Every single one of my eating disorder behaviours, especially the movement, was praised by society at large and the people around me. Of course, if people knew the specifics around these behaviours their opinions may have changed, but I was constantly positively re-enforced. My disciplined movement routine, and “healthy” eating, became what I was known for. At times in my life they felt like the reasons people wanted to be around me. That these were the most important pieces of my identity, what made me special, what made me good enough.

I wish people were more careful with their compliments.

It has taken me years to recondition my beliefs and attachments around movement. To this day it is still one of the hardest challenges I face.

For awhile I felt shame that I prioritised my exercise over most everything else in my life.I’ve learned to forgive myself. To be kind to myself. Addictions are hard to heal, but worth the fight.

Your worth is completely detached from how healthy you are. And you get to decide what healthy means to you. Don’t let anyone else’s beliefs, rules and conditioning infiltrate your thoughts and control your actions.

Our bodies were meant to move, yes, but with ease. With rest. With softness. With love. With compassion. Our bodies were meant to move naturally, without force. Without guilt. Without comparison. Without judgment. Without hatred.

Our bodies are meant to move only with peace.

Move when, if, and how your body wants to move. Trust your body. Trust your intuition. And whatever happens that day, in the end, doesn’t really matter. In the end, do what makes you feel your best. Tune out the noise. Tune in to your intuition. Move from there.