It’s Enough

Healing can be really exhausting. This far along in my healing journey, I feel like I should have more figured out, feel more put together and presentable. A finished product. An “after” picture. But recently I have felt so exhausted, cloudy, as if I am walking through a thick fog. It stops me from showing up. But in moments when I can peak through the clouds, I can see more clearly. And, thankfully, those moments have started happening more and more frequently. I can see that this is only part of the process I must go through to end up where I need to go. This fatigue only speaks TO the progress of my process, not against. My body is finally feeling safe enough to demand the rest and softness it has been needing. It finally trusts I will remain resilient and committed to my path despite feeling more “out of control” than I am used to. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t show up in the world. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be seen. This is the process, the in-between, the imperfect. This is where I am at. And that is more than okay.

Last Friday (the thirteenth) marked one full year since I discharged from treatment. And, not only that, but one year of stability, resiliency, commitment. One year of no relapse, no major setbacks, no interventions. This is huge for me. There had been a time in my life I thought I would never get here. And yet, I find myself frustrated with where I am at, wanting to hide, exhausted from crawling through the mud everyday and only moving forward half a step. But, that’s recovery. Healing is a funny process.

I want to remind you that whatever you are going through, you are where you need to be. This could be with anything in your life. All you have to do everyday is take the step forward that feels possible in that moment. All you have to do is see through the fog half an inch. You do not need to see the full picture or see beyond the clouds. They will part. You are moving forward. You do not need to hold yourself back or wait until you feel ready and presentable; you are enough exactly where you are.

We are humans BEINGS not human doings… souls in a human shell here to remember what we have forgotten… we are simply here to experience and make mistakes and figure it out along the way. Sometimes I laugh at how seriously we all take it (myself definitely included).

Remember to take a moment, put a hand to your heart, and acknowledge yourself and the journey you have been on. Accept the progress you still need to make, and allow yourself to take the next step with gratitude, grace, and love.