Action Led by Feelings
The boy was leaning against the gate to the parking garage, half on his bike half off. Flighty eyes. Active hands. He couldn’t have been older than sixteen.
“I’m seventeen.” He blurted out of nowhere, as if he could read my thoughts. I turned around to look at him. There was no one else on this quiet side street of central London except the two of us.
“I’m seventeen and I can’t do this anymore.” He continued, “Everyone I ask tells me to get a job or that it’s my fault and I’m lazy and….” He pushed on but my thoughts were elsewhere. His words slurred together, intentional and yet chaotic. I knew what was coming and I was trying to decide how best to respond. “… I just need a little help. I’m hungry and tired and I don’t want to keep living like this anymore.”
Something inside me broke.
I had nothing to offer him. I knew what he wanted was money and I took a deep breath as I prepared to disappoint him. “I wish I could help you. I have nothing for you. But you are going to be ok.” I tried to place my truth and empathy for him into my words, but I knew he was deaf to the feeling.
His face fell, “yeah, ok.”
I lingered a little longer. Theo was getting impatient, I was running late, and I knew deep down there was nothing I could do for him in this moment, but boy did I want to. I wanted to sit down with this boy and ask him to talk to me, tell me about his childhood, how did he get here, how was he feeling, what sparks joy in him, does he have anyone in his life who can support him and if not where can we find that support. I wanted to put my hands on his shoulders, look him in the eyes and promise him that he was going to be ok, that no life stage is permanent and there is a way out of this. I wanted that promise to mean something. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel like I could. I still don’t know.
I feel stuck trying to tie this story together with a neat bow. I don’t have any of the answers.
What I do know is that boy has stayed with me. That boy and his fragile heart. Somewhere along the way he ended up here, without any of the support he so desperately needs. My heart can’t quite handle that.
What I do know is that everybody deserves someone they can rely on; everybody deserves someone who supports them, who is there for them, and can give them the attention and love that they need.
What I do know is that it hurts to take in this boy’s situation and let the feelings exist in my body instead of shutting them out and moving on. But experiencing our feelings is what can drive us to change and to heal and to connect.
Action led by feelings. I think that’s the answer.
