Handstands and Intentions

About three years ago, I stopped going to all yoga classes. I stopped practicing in front of anyone. My practice was done at home or in a hidden corner, alone. In the beginning this wasn’t voluntary, as it coincided with my beginning of treatment, but as time went on I maintained this decision.

Several years prior to this decision, I had been in the studio everyday, all day. Yes, it was my job and it brought me community and a lot of joy. And, it also fueled my eating disorder and distorted my thoughts around body and exercise. Comments about what my body could do, how it looked, how hard I worked, others asking for advice and training… the ego boost seduced me and shut me down. It felt self-centered and I knew it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t know if I would ever step foot in a group class again.

When I went on social media, I told myself I would never post a picture of a handstand or an “advanced” posture. That felt important at the time. I was sick of seeing a post of someone in a handstand with an inspirational quote underneath it.

Now I question the notion of what is advanced? To me, my handstand practice feels just as easy and as challenging as my more restorative practices. At times it feels just as in flow, and at other times it feels just as forced, just as necessary.

A handstand can be another tool that keeps me feeling balanced and at peace. It can also be another weapon that keeps me feeling as if I am striving, seeking perfection.

So what is the answer? I am learning that when I practice for me, and for no one else, it doesn’t matter what I post. I am learning that I can be seen as all sides of me. I am learning that being seen, truly seen, as all parts of myself is a gift that I am allowed to receive. It doesn’t make me self-centered or egoic.

Nothing is black and white. It is time to live in the grey area. I love to walk barefoot and wear my fancy sunglasses. I am sunshine and I am also rainy days. Neither is wrong or bad, they are all pieces of who I am.

If learning handstands feels aligned and authentic to you, follow that. I know they do for me, sometimes. Sometimes they don’t.

I don’t think just the act of doing a handstand is aspirational or inspirational. Because it is not actually about the posture. It is the intention, the feeling, the meaning behind it all. I am realising that goes for everything.

So I think it’s ok to post a picture doing whatever pose or posture feels authentic in that moment. I think it is ok to show up for a class and be seen as myself. It is also ok to keep it all private. I’ve missed the community and connection that can come with a group yoga class. I love the silence and self-awareness I feel after a home practice.

I hope we all give ourselves permission to show up and be seen as we are. I hope we all feel free to change our minds and then show up differently. I hope we all feel safe to stay true to what feels right for us in each moment.

I hope we all remember: it is is all about intention.

I really want to know..

What does this bring up for you? Do you feel free to show up as all sides of yourself? Do you feel your actions are done with intention?